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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

According to Republican vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp, by hanging out and having a good time by the pool, wealthy Americans can help create more than five million new pool-cleaning jobs for the nation's lower class and generate an additional $15 billion in trickle-down fun.

Kemp explained that by focusing on hanging out and having a good time by the pool, the nation's upper middle class can help create more than five million trickle-down jobs for lower-class Americans by the year 2000.

"Each rich person's pool needs to be cleaned, supervised and attended to by a squad of valets," Kemp told a crowd of reporters and giggling model/actresses. "Those are very real jobs. And that's not even taking into account all the masseurs, bartenders and leggy houseguests with expensive tastes who would also be necessary for a good pool."

Kemp added that by lowering taxes on such items as margaritas, suntan oil and Hawaiian shirts, the U.S. will generate more than $5 billion in pool-related federal revenue and increase the U.S. per-capita good-time index by more than 15 percent.

"The first order of any economic plan is to encourage spending," Kemp said as his feet were massaged by a team of Hispanic servants. "Enjoying a poolside lounge is a great way to do that. Mmmm... More pressure on the insteps, Carlos."

Republican Party insiders also point out the economic importance of getting a deep, dark, luscious tan.

"With a great tan, you look good, and when you look good you feel good," party strategist Jeffrey Edwards said from his pool beside his Lake Tahoe cabin. "And when you feel good, you feel like spending money. That's what's known as trickle-down fun."

When questioned as to whether poolside economics would apply to the nation's wintry northern regions, Kemp laughed, saying, "What? You've never heard of an indoor pool?"

At Kemp's order, the reporter who asked the question was then "dunked" in the shallow end by a large group of bikini-clad, tittering 19-year-olds.

Concluded Kemp: "More refreshments—chop chop!"

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