adBlockCheck

Politics

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

According to Republican vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp, by hanging out and having a good time by the pool, wealthy Americans can help create more than five million new pool-cleaning jobs for the nation's lower class and generate an additional $15 billion in trickle-down fun.

Kemp explained that by focusing on hanging out and having a good time by the pool, the nation's upper middle class can help create more than five million trickle-down jobs for lower-class Americans by the year 2000.

"Each rich person's pool needs to be cleaned, supervised and attended to by a squad of valets," Kemp told a crowd of reporters and giggling model/actresses. "Those are very real jobs. And that's not even taking into account all the masseurs, bartenders and leggy houseguests with expensive tastes who would also be necessary for a good pool."

Kemp added that by lowering taxes on such items as margaritas, suntan oil and Hawaiian shirts, the U.S. will generate more than $5 billion in pool-related federal revenue and increase the U.S. per-capita good-time index by more than 15 percent.

"The first order of any economic plan is to encourage spending," Kemp said as his feet were massaged by a team of Hispanic servants. "Enjoying a poolside lounge is a great way to do that. Mmmm... More pressure on the insteps, Carlos."

Republican Party insiders also point out the economic importance of getting a deep, dark, luscious tan.

"With a great tan, you look good, and when you look good you feel good," party strategist Jeffrey Edwards said from his pool beside his Lake Tahoe cabin. "And when you feel good, you feel like spending money. That's what's known as trickle-down fun."

When questioned as to whether poolside economics would apply to the nation's wintry northern regions, Kemp laughed, saying, "What? You've never heard of an indoor pool?"

At Kemp's order, the reporter who asked the question was then "dunked" in the shallow end by a large group of bikini-clad, tittering 19-year-olds.

Concluded Kemp: "More refreshments—chop chop!"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close