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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

According to Republican vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp, by hanging out and having a good time by the pool, wealthy Americans can help create more than five million new pool-cleaning jobs for the nation's lower class and generate an additional $15 billion in trickle-down fun.

Kemp explained that by focusing on hanging out and having a good time by the pool, the nation's upper middle class can help create more than five million trickle-down jobs for lower-class Americans by the year 2000.

"Each rich person's pool needs to be cleaned, supervised and attended to by a squad of valets," Kemp told a crowd of reporters and giggling model/actresses. "Those are very real jobs. And that's not even taking into account all the masseurs, bartenders and leggy houseguests with expensive tastes who would also be necessary for a good pool."

Kemp added that by lowering taxes on such items as margaritas, suntan oil and Hawaiian shirts, the U.S. will generate more than $5 billion in pool-related federal revenue and increase the U.S. per-capita good-time index by more than 15 percent.

"The first order of any economic plan is to encourage spending," Kemp said as his feet were massaged by a team of Hispanic servants. "Enjoying a poolside lounge is a great way to do that. Mmmm... More pressure on the insteps, Carlos."

Republican Party insiders also point out the economic importance of getting a deep, dark, luscious tan.

"With a great tan, you look good, and when you look good you feel good," party strategist Jeffrey Edwards said from his pool beside his Lake Tahoe cabin. "And when you feel good, you feel like spending money. That's what's known as trickle-down fun."

When questioned as to whether poolside economics would apply to the nation's wintry northern regions, Kemp laughed, saying, "What? You've never heard of an indoor pool?"

At Kemp's order, the reporter who asked the question was then "dunked" in the shallow end by a large group of bikini-clad, tittering 19-year-olds.

Concluded Kemp: "More refreshments—chop chop!"

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