Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

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Vol 30 Issue 06

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.
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Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

According to Republican vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp, by hanging out and having a good time by the pool, wealthy Americans can help create more than five million new pool-cleaning jobs for the nation's lower class and generate an additional $15 billion in trickle-down fun.

Kemp explained that by focusing on hanging out and having a good time by the pool, the nation's upper middle class can help create more than five million trickle-down jobs for lower-class Americans by the year 2000.

"Each rich person's pool needs to be cleaned, supervised and attended to by a squad of valets," Kemp told a crowd of reporters and giggling model/actresses. "Those are very real jobs. And that's not even taking into account all the masseurs, bartenders and leggy houseguests with expensive tastes who would also be necessary for a good pool."

Kemp added that by lowering taxes on such items as margaritas, suntan oil and Hawaiian shirts, the U.S. will generate more than $5 billion in pool-related federal revenue and increase the U.S. per-capita good-time index by more than 15 percent.

"The first order of any economic plan is to encourage spending," Kemp said as his feet were massaged by a team of Hispanic servants. "Enjoying a poolside lounge is a great way to do that. Mmmm... More pressure on the insteps, Carlos."

Republican Party insiders also point out the economic importance of getting a deep, dark, luscious tan.

"With a great tan, you look good, and when you look good you feel good," party strategist Jeffrey Edwards said from his pool beside his Lake Tahoe cabin. "And when you feel good, you feel like spending money. That's what's known as trickle-down fun."

When questioned as to whether poolside economics would apply to the nation's wintry northern regions, Kemp laughed, saying, "What? You've never heard of an indoor pool?"

At Kemp's order, the reporter who asked the question was then "dunked" in the shallow end by a large group of bikini-clad, tittering 19-year-olds.

Concluded Kemp: "More refreshments—chop chop!"

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