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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Ken Burns Completes Documentary About Fucking Liars Who Claimed They Watched Entire ‘Jazz’ Series

ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries. “I became fascinated with the subject when I overheard a couple of lying shitheads saying they’d seen all of Jazz, even though they couldn’t mention the first thing about Dave Brubeck or Dizzy Gillespie—I just knew I had to explore that story,” said the acclaimed documentarian, who noted that the 12-part series would feature interviews and footage of hundreds of assholes who were so clearly full of shit as they insisted they had watched all 1,140 minutes of the series, even the episode on avant-garde jazz and free jazz, despite there being no way in hell that happened. “This project is going to explore exactly who these dishonest little sons of bitches think they’re fooling by claiming they sat down and watched the whole damn thing. There’s even some rare footage of a few of these pieces of shit talking about my depiction of Benny Carter, which wasn’t even in the fucking film.” Burns added that his next project would focus on all the goddamn brown-nosers who keep sending him dumbass pitches for his next documentary.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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