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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Ken Burns Completes Documentary About Fucking Liars Who Claimed They Watched Entire ‘Jazz’ Series

ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries. “I became fascinated with the subject when I overheard a couple of lying shitheads saying they’d seen all of Jazz, even though they couldn’t mention the first thing about Dave Brubeck or Dizzy Gillespie—I just knew I had to explore that story,” said the acclaimed documentarian, who noted that the 12-part series would feature interviews and footage of hundreds of assholes who were so clearly full of shit as they insisted they had watched all 1,140 minutes of the series, even the episode on avant-garde jazz and free jazz, despite there being no way in hell that happened. “This project is going to explore exactly who these dishonest little sons of bitches think they’re fooling by claiming they sat down and watched the whole damn thing. There’s even some rare footage of a few of these pieces of shit talking about my depiction of Benny Carter, which wasn’t even in the fucking film.” Burns added that his next project would focus on all the goddamn brown-nosers who keep sending him dumbass pitches for his next documentary.

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