Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Ken Burns Not Sure How To Turn Down Ray Romano’s Repeated Offers To Narrate Next Documentary

WALPOLE, NH—At a loss for an appropriate way to respond to the messages the actor-comedian continues to leave on his phone, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Wednesday that he is unsure how to decline Ray Romano’s repeated offers to narrate his next documentary. “I keep ignoring his calls and letting them go to voicemail, but he just isn’t taking the hint,” said Burns, adding that the Everybody Loves Raymond star’s messages go on at length about how he would love to voice a historical character in one of Burns’ documentaries or perhaps even narrate an entire eight-part series. “Ray’s a nice guy and a fine performer, but the second I hear his voice on my answering machine, I think, ‘No way in hell.’ Maybe I could have used him in Brooklyn Bridge, but that was a long time ago. I just have to hope he tires himself out, I guess.” At press time, sources confirmed Romano had left a voicemail for Burns in which he praised The Civil War and tried his hand at some of Ulysses S. Grant’s lines, which had been performed in the documentary by two-time Academy Award winner Jason Robards.

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