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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
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Ken Lay's Children Inherit 4,000 Pensions

When Enron founder Kenneth Lay died suddenly, less than two months after being convicted of conspiracy and securities fraud in May, it seemed to be the final chapter in the collapsed energy giant's infamous saga. Yet the disgraced executive managed to extend a hand of generosity from beyond the grave, leaving an inheritance of 4,000 Enron employee pensions to his grieving children.

"We were surprised and deeply moved that Dad had arrangements in place to provide for us after his passing," said the mogul's son, Mark Lay. "With his unbelievably generous legacy, we'll never have to worry about money again, unlike a lot of people here in Houston."

The younger Lay said that, as youths, he and his siblings were taught by their father to take an interest in the business he built and defrauded, and never to forget where their wealth came from.

"Dad would take us down to the Enron office, and he would show us all the happy, hardworking people there," Mark Lay said. "He would tell us, 'Kids, one day, everything these people have will be yours.'"

Lay was a generous father by nature, his son said. Besides the two or three employee bonuses the children typically received in their Christmas stockings, their good grades were rewarded with stock options, which Lay would later advise them to cash in just before their value dropped from $90 to $15 a share.

"One year, [Lay's stepson] Beau made the Dean's List, and Dad was so proud, he gave him someone's liquidated health care plan," Mark Lay said. "And another time, out of the blue, he came home with 340 dental packages in his arms. He gave them out like candy. Even the dog got one. He was such a thoughtful, kind man."

In addition to providing for the financial security of his family, Lay stipulated in his will that a large part of his embezzled fortune be donated to the many charities he and his wife Linda supported, including the Houston YMCA, where many former Enron employees now reside.

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