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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison

HOUSTON—A U.S. district court judge handed down the maximum sentence Tuesday to the body of former Enron CEO Kenneth L. Lay, who was convicted on multiple counts of securities and wire fraud when alive last May. "Mr. Lay, given the severity and scope of your blatant disregard for the laws and ethics of business, this court has no hesitation in posthumously sentencing you to rot in a maximum-security correctional facility," Judge Sim Lake said while addressing Lay's decomposing corpse Tuesday. "May God have already had mercy on your soul." Lay's remains will immediately begin serving a 45-year sentence, but could be eligible for parole as early as 2026 if they exhibit good behavior.

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