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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Ken Whisenhunt Making Ends Meet By Taking Second Head Coach Job

PHOENIX—With the economy in crisis and an NFL lockout looming, Arizona Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt told reporters Monday that he had no choice but to take a position as head coach of the St. Louis Rams in order to "keep [his] head above water." "I got a wife and two kids, and college tuition certainly isn't getting any cheaper," said Whisenhunt, who added that the stress of the 1,476-mile commute—as well as poor play from Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson and the ongoing maturation process of Sam Bradford—was really starting to get to him. "At least last week both teams played each other, so I only had the one game to attend. Even then I had to come up with two different halftime speeches, and afterwards I was so tired I accidentally got on the team plane to St. Louis instead of going back to my house. But hey, at least we got the win." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly aware of Whisenhunt's situation, but unable to take disciplinary action because he's too busy moonlighting as head of the NHL.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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