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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Kendrick Perkins Under Assumption He's One Of Celtics' 'Big Three'

BOSTON—Celtics center Kendrick Perkins is operating under the assumption that he is one of the team's "Big Three" players, as evidenced by his post-game comments, a recent Sports Illustrated interview, and the fact that he shouts "Big Three, baby!" while holding up three fingers after every basket he makes. "Any time you put Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and myself, Kendrick Perkins, on a court together, you're going to win a bunch of games—but let's not forget there are two other guys on this team, and their names are Rajon Rondo and Kevin Garnett," Perkins told reporters after his seven-point, two-rebound performance Sunday night. "In fact, if Kevin continues to play the way he's been playing, you may just have to start calling us the 'Big Four.'" Perkins added that this "Big Three" incarnation is even better than 2004's version, which he says included himself, Paul Pierce, and Raef LaFrentz.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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