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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Kenenisa Bekele

Track and Field, 5000m and 10,000m — Ethiopia

Racing Strategy: Drafts behind other runners for first 9,998 meters of race and then jumps out in front at the last second like an asshole

Training Regimen: Once ran 23,000 miles in one day, but usually only goes 21,500 miles

Favorite Meter: 5,186th

Biggest Concern: Lack of antelope herd at London’s Olympic Stadium means he won’t have access to adequate pacing

Regret: Still finishing the 1,850,000-meter event from the 2008 Beijing games

NEXT: Yelena Isinbayeva

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