adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kenenisa Bekele

Track and Field, 5000m and 10,000m — Ethiopia

Racing Strategy: Drafts behind other runners for first 9,998 meters of race and then jumps out in front at the last second like an asshole

Training Regimen: Once ran 23,000 miles in one day, but usually only goes 21,500 miles

Favorite Meter: 5,186th

Biggest Concern: Lack of antelope herd at London’s Olympic Stadium means he won’t have access to adequate pacing

Regret: Still finishing the 1,850,000-meter event from the 2008 Beijing games

NEXT: Yelena Isinbayeva

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close