Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die

HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the dynasty's remaining living relatives could die, sources confirmed Tuesday.

This list, which is formatted very simply with the name of a family member followed by 10 to 15 upsetting ways that each specific person could die, was faxed to all major news outlets, and includes such methods of death as "car crash, pill overdose, murder, and water-skiing accident."

According to the Kennedys, all family members could potentially die in a private plane crash.

"Robert F. Kennedy Jr." the document read in part. "Deadly fall, drowning in Martha's Vineyard, brain aneurysm during a speech in front of a large crowd of people, boating accident, carbon-monoxide poisoning, assassination at the hands of Sirhan Sirhan Jr., heart attack during some kind of humiliating sexual experience, house fire, reported missing and then later found decapitated in the woods, stroke."

"Crushed by large wooden beam," Kennedy's section concluded.

While the original list was sent at 11:40 p.m. Tuesday, sources have speculated that the Kennedy family felt it was incomplete, because at 12:40 a.m. an addendum to the document was released, adding "mutilation of some kind" to 84-year-old Jean Kennedy Smith's list of potential ways she could die, accidental self-strangulation to 27-year-old Kyle Francis Kennedy's section, and SIDS to the myriad ways 5-week-old Owen Patrick Kennedy might unexpectedly and tragically be killed.

"I see this list as a self-coping mechanism on the part of the Kennedys, and a way to emotionally prepare themselves for the inevitable sudden deaths of their relatives," University of Pennsylvania psychology professor David Claflin told reporters. "This way, if Rory Kennedy dies after a bout of anorexia, or is found with a broken neck at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, nobody in the family will be surprised because it's on the list."

At press time, Edward Moore Kennedy Jr., 50, was driving 20 mph over the speed limit on a very windy road in Nashua, NH.