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Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

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