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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Kenny Lofton Thinks He's Putting Finishing Touches On Hall Of Fame Career

CLEVELAND—Apparently oblivious to the fact that his lifetime statistics, while repectable, are not worthy of admittance into baseball's most exclusive club, Indians outfielder Kenny Lofton actually believes he is adding the final flourishes to what he deems a Hall of Fame career. "Four more stolen bases and I'm up to the magic 6-2-5," said the man who led the American League in singles in 1993 and finished in the top 26 of MVP voting four times. "All I've got to do is bump the old career average from .299 to .300, maybe get a few more triples, and I can punch my ticket to Cooperstown." Lofton, who noted that he was also "a very good bunter—perhaps one of the best in the 1990s"—is still deciding whether he should enter the Hall as an Indian, Astro, Brave, White Sox, Giant, Pirate, Cub, Yankee, Phillie, Dodger, or Ranger.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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