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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Kenny Lofton Thinks He's Putting Finishing Touches On Hall Of Fame Career

CLEVELAND—Apparently oblivious to the fact that his lifetime statistics, while repectable, are not worthy of admittance into baseball's most exclusive club, Indians outfielder Kenny Lofton actually believes he is adding the final flourishes to what he deems a Hall of Fame career. "Four more stolen bases and I'm up to the magic 6-2-5," said the man who led the American League in singles in 1993 and finished in the top 26 of MVP voting four times. "All I've got to do is bump the old career average from .299 to .300, maybe get a few more triples, and I can punch my ticket to Cooperstown." Lofton, who noted that he was also "a very good bunter—perhaps one of the best in the 1990s"—is still deciding whether he should enter the Hall as an Indian, Astro, Brave, White Sox, Giant, Pirate, Cub, Yankee, Phillie, Dodger, or Ranger.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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