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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World Series

COLBERT, GA—Country vocalist Kenny Rogers repeatedly and vehemently denied rumors that he engaged in cheatin' behavior during Game 2 of the World Series Sunday night, which he maintains he watched on TV at his friend Randy's house across town despite anonymous eyewitnesses placing him at the Lincoln Park Motor Inn with an unknown red-haired woman. "C'mon, honey, you have to believe in me, here," Rogers said from the front lawn of his estate while dodging clothing and personal possessions thrown at him from the second-floor windows of his house by Wanda Miller, his wife of nine years. "I had a few beers and, you know, decided to take my time getting home, is all. Honey?" Suspicion initially settled on Rogers when a visual inspection seemed to reveal a "tacky" stain on the multiple-Grammy-award winner's hands.

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