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Kentucky Derby Winner Hoping He Won't Have To Repeat What Was Easily Most Traumatic Experience Of Life

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

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INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

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BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

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Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

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Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

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Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

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The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

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Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

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Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

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Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

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Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

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Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
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Kentucky Derby Winner Hoping He Won't Have To Repeat What Was Easily Most Traumatic Experience Of Life

LOUISVILLE, KY—Shaken and trembling Kentucky Derby winner I'll Have Another, who came from behind and outside on the final turn to win the Kentucky Derby in a breathtaking display of speed and panic, is reportedly hoping that nothing like the 1-1/4-mile race ever happens to him again.

"What just—what in the hell was that?" the chestnut colt asked reporters shortly after crossing the wire Saturday to beat odds-on favorite Bodemeister by one and a half lengths and finish in a respectable 2:01.83. "Seriously, with all the screaming, and everyone running, and [jockey] Mario [Gutierrez] standing up out of the saddle, I pretty much lost it. That was, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever been through in my life."

Although it would end in victory and horror, the day started quietly enough for I'll Have Another, with a brisk walk around Churchill Downs' scenic paddock. But as the afternoon wore on, things became "extremely weird" for the young horse.

"Suddenly I realized my old buddy Mario was on my back, but he was really quiet, not talking to me at all, and I was being led somewhere with a lot of other horses—I could hear them and smell them, but someone put something on my face that only let me see straight ahead, so I had no idea who these guys were or where we were going," said I'll Have Another, noting that while he was not exactly scared at the time, "you hear stories about things that happen to horses," and he was "starting to become apprehensive" when led into the gate.

"They walked me into this, I don't know, like a stall, but small and metal. There was this overwhelming smell of minty bourbon. I could hear a huge crowd of people somewhere nearby, all talking and shouting, and I mean, I'm open-minded and all, but they all had Southern accents and that seemed really threatening."

"Then a horn sounded and it scared the hell out of me and everyone was running," the horse added. "And all I could think was, 'I'm only 3 years old. Please, God, I'm only 3.'"

Starting from the 19th post, just one slot from the outside, the 3-year-old became the first horse in Derby history to win from that position. However, despite a respectable start, he was mired in the pack for the first three-quarters of the race.

"I don't remember anything but running," said the pre-race 15-1 pick, who ran alongside the similarly terrified Gemologist and Creative Cause for most of the backstretch. "Just running, and I didn't even know from what. I mean, everyone was running. I guess I was just going on instinct at that point."

"I'm not proud of this, but I think I might have shit myself a little there," the horse added. "I wasn't the only one, but still. I hope no one was watching."

As they rounded the final turn, however, Gutierrez sensed his panicked horse had yet more speed to give, so he angled his mount toward the finish, positioned him close to the rail, and headed him for the wire.

"I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack towards the end," added the victorious horse, referring to the final turn and stretch, during which he came from five lengths back to take the lead. "Everyone was just running in a big pack. I wasn't even sure where I was going, but the guys behind me seemed to be trying to catch up and the guys in front of me were going as fast as they could. And all of a sudden, Mario started yelling and wailing on me. Like, hard. I think he had some kind of stick. And I was like, oh, crap, if he's scared, too, whatever's happening must be pretty bad. So I just got out in front of everybody, and before I knew it, who or whatever we were running from was apparently gone."

However, I'll Have Another's ordeal was far from over. After a quarter-mile trot in which he tried unsuccessfully to get his bearings and come to terms with whatever was happening, he was surrounded by jubilant fans and owners.

"It was terrible—if anything it was worse than the running part. First of all, Mario was laughing and smiling, and that was pretty devastating, because just a couple minutes before he was beating the crap out of me, and now he's all happy? What the fuck? They put delicious plants around my neck, but they didn't let me eat any, and everyone surrounded me, and I don't remember much after that. All I know is, I hope I never have to go through anything like that ever again."

I'll Have Another's owner, J. Paul Reddam, was all smiles for hours after the event.

"It was great day for us. I loved it, Mario loved it, and if I know my horse, he loved the whole thing more than all of us put together," Reddam said. "Whatever we did today, it was exactly right. We're looking forward to doing the whole thing all over again at the Preakness in two weeks."

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