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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Kentucky DMV Introduces Game Of Chicken To Driver's Test

LOUISVILLE, KY— The Kentucky Department of Motor Vehicles announced yesterday that the game of chicken will be added to the state's driver's-license road test, testing prospective motorists' ability to drive directly towards one another at an accelerating speed.

"We want to make sure new drivers can handle everyday Kentucky driving scenarios," said DMV spokesman Marty Kerta

The state's test is already one of the most challenging in the nation, requiring Kentuckians to drive through stop signs, hurtle into police roadblocks, achieve at least two seconds of airborne status, and do donuts.

"If we have drivers on the road lacking these vital chicken skills, something terrible could happen—like, for instance, someone swerving away at the last second like a giant pussy," Kerta said.

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