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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Kentucky DMV Introduces Game Of Chicken To Driver's Test

LOUISVILLE, KY— The Kentucky Department of Motor Vehicles announced yesterday that the game of chicken will be added to the state's driver's-license road test, testing prospective motorists' ability to drive directly towards one another at an accelerating speed.

"We want to make sure new drivers can handle everyday Kentucky driving scenarios," said DMV spokesman Marty Kerta

The state's test is already one of the most challenging in the nation, requiring Kentuckians to drive through stop signs, hurtle into police roadblocks, achieve at least two seconds of airborne status, and do donuts.

"If we have drivers on the road lacking these vital chicken skills, something terrible could happen—like, for instance, someone swerving away at the last second like a giant pussy," Kerta said.

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