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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Kentucky Going To Stick With Strategy Of Having Far-And-Away Better Athletes At Every Position

ATLANTA—In a press conference today regarding the Wildcats' Sweet 16 matchup, Kentucky coach John Calipari revealed to reporters he does not plan to switch up his strategy, which thus far has been to put in athletes who are much more gifted basketball players than the ones on the other teams. "When they get this deep in the tournament, some coaches see the good teams they're playing and think up ways they'll try to handle them," said Calipari, whose Wildcats have beaten their first two opponents so badly he has played nearly his entire bench of reserves. "I, on the other hand, am going to stick with what has worked so far: putting players on the court who make their opponents look like inept children and who will, in a few months, collectively take in tens of millions of dollars in the first round of the NBA draft." Calipari later admitted he will not even be attending Kentucky's game against Indiana tonight, as it conflicts with a meeting he scheduled with top-ranked recruit Nerlens Noel.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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