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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Kentucky Going To Stick With Strategy Of Having Far-And-Away Better Athletes At Every Position

ATLANTA—In a press conference today regarding the Wildcats' Sweet 16 matchup, Kentucky coach John Calipari revealed to reporters he does not plan to switch up his strategy, which thus far has been to put in athletes who are much more gifted basketball players than the ones on the other teams. "When they get this deep in the tournament, some coaches see the good teams they're playing and think up ways they'll try to handle them," said Calipari, whose Wildcats have beaten their first two opponents so badly he has played nearly his entire bench of reserves. "I, on the other hand, am going to stick with what has worked so far: putting players on the court who make their opponents look like inept children and who will, in a few months, collectively take in tens of millions of dollars in the first round of the NBA draft." Calipari later admitted he will not even be attending Kentucky's game against Indiana tonight, as it conflicts with a meeting he scheduled with top-ranked recruit Nerlens Noel.

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