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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Kentucky Going To Stick With Strategy Of Having Far-And-Away Better Athletes At Every Position

ATLANTA—In a press conference today regarding the Wildcats' Sweet 16 matchup, Kentucky coach John Calipari revealed to reporters he does not plan to switch up his strategy, which thus far has been to put in athletes who are much more gifted basketball players than the ones on the other teams. "When they get this deep in the tournament, some coaches see the good teams they're playing and think up ways they'll try to handle them," said Calipari, whose Wildcats have beaten their first two opponents so badly he has played nearly his entire bench of reserves. "I, on the other hand, am going to stick with what has worked so far: putting players on the court who make their opponents look like inept children and who will, in a few months, collectively take in tens of millions of dollars in the first round of the NBA draft." Calipari later admitted he will not even be attending Kentucky's game against Indiana tonight, as it conflicts with a meeting he scheduled with top-ranked recruit Nerlens Noel.

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