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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Kentucky Player Must Explain Significance Of AutoZone Liberty Bowl Before Coed Sleeps With Him

LEXINGTON, KY—University of Kentucky freshman Amy Austin demanded defensive end Ventrell Jenkins explain "what's so great" about the AutoZone Liberty Bowl before she would consent to participate in sexual intercourse with him, sources reported Monday.

"Technically, it's not the championship, but it's a lot like a championship," Austin's suitemates overheard Jenkins say. "Trust me. It was an important game." Jenkins also reportedly told the coed a trophy was awarded for the victory, and that this validated the game's significance. "With the BCS, there's not just one winner," he continued. "We're all winners in, like, diverse ways. It's hard to explain, but there was confetti and shit. We're the 2009 AutoZone Liberty Bowl champs.... Hey, come here." Austin reportedly put her clothes back on and left the room when Jenkins accidentally mentioned that Notre Dame had also played in a bowl game this year.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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