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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Kentucky Player Must Explain Significance Of AutoZone Liberty Bowl Before Coed Sleeps With Him

LEXINGTON, KY—University of Kentucky freshman Amy Austin demanded defensive end Ventrell Jenkins explain "what's so great" about the AutoZone Liberty Bowl before she would consent to participate in sexual intercourse with him, sources reported Monday.

"Technically, it's not the championship, but it's a lot like a championship," Austin's suitemates overheard Jenkins say. "Trust me. It was an important game." Jenkins also reportedly told the coed a trophy was awarded for the victory, and that this validated the game's significance. "With the BCS, there's not just one winner," he continued. "We're all winners in, like, diverse ways. It's hard to explain, but there was confetti and shit. We're the 2009 AutoZone Liberty Bowl champs.... Hey, come here." Austin reportedly put her clothes back on and left the room when Jenkins accidentally mentioned that Notre Dame had also played in a bowl game this year.

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