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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Kerry Collins Credits Current Success To Drinking Even More Before Games

NASHVILLE, TN—Titans quarterback Kerry Collins told reporters Sunday that his 9-0 record as a starter this season was largely due to drinking heavily before games in order to clarify his field vision, increase his arm strength by an estimated 50 percent, and give himself the courage to make throws he would not attempt while sober. "A couple shots of confidence before I go out on the field and I'm not afraid to do anything," said Collins, swaying back and forth slightly as he outlined his pregame routine. "When you look up and there's 16 guys in the box, you know you have to get rid of the ball right away. And if I hold on to the ball too long and I get hit, you don't, I don't feel, don't feel shit. Plus, the team. Lets me team leader. Leader-leader-leader...ship!" When asked how he orchestrated the Titan's comeback against the Jaguars, Collins claimed he blacked out during the second half and only remembers trying to belch the alphabet backwards.

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