Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate

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Vol 40 Issue 23

Boss' Threats Hilarious

KNOXVILLE, TN—Employees working under Champion Direct Marketing manager Dale Farner found his threats during a Monday meeting hysterical, sources told reporters. "If you like your job here, you'll start to shape up," Farner said, reprimanding a group of his underlings working in CDM's basement offices. "You think your jobs are guaranteed? Think again. I can replace any one of you, just like that. There are plenty of folks out there who would take pride in telephone sales." The employees, most of whom will quit before the end of summer, broke into giggles when Farner threatened to cancel the staff summer picnic.

Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter

LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno's home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported Monday. "You have reached the home of Mavis and Jay Leno, and if you don't know what to do by now, then you've got bigger problems than Martha Stewart,'" said Leno's recording, followed by a five-second silence. "But seriously, callers, at the beep, leave a message." After a short pause, Leno's message concluded, "Am I right?"

Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week

WASHINGTON, DC—Hoping to counter ignorance of the national legislative body among U.S. citizens, congressional leaders named the first week in August National Congress Awareness Week. "This special week is designed to call attention to America's very important federal lawmaking body," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "At least three citizens in every state, and as many as 55 in California, presently have some form of congressional duty, whether it's as a senator or as a representative." The festivities will kick off with a 10-mile Walk for Congress Awareness, when blue ribbons will be handed out in honor of those who served in the first 107 congresses.

Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral

WASHINGTON, DC—Former President Ronald Reagan will be honored with five days of memorial services, culminating in a $5,000 a head funeral in Washington's National Cathedral Friday, Paul Darlington, a spokesman for the Bush re-election campaign, said Monday. "At 5:15 p.m. EST, former President Reagan will be escorted from the U.S. Capitol and received with ceremony at the Washington National Cathedral, where a dinner of baby arugula, roast beef, and herbed red potatoes will commence," Darlington said. "As Reagan lies in repose, a host of leading Republican party members will be available for photo opportunities. President Bush, who will deliver a eulogy at the close of the solemn gathering, is urging all Americans to dig deep into their hearts to honor this great leader." Several thousand people are expected to pay their respects.

Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely to be in attendance, sources reported Tuesday. "Honey, we're just going to be drinking beer and talking about the Reds—nothing you'd be interested in," Foglia told his wife Emily, withholding information regarding specific plans to begin the night buying drinks for college girls at the Varsity Club. "Maybe we'll stop for burgers afterward, I don't know." Based on previous "guys' nights," the trio will more likely end the night in the company of non-male lap dancers at the Vroom Vroom Room.

Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area apartment Saturday, a suicide note riddled with references to the popular TV show The Simpsons on his desk.

Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been spending a lotta time quietly reflecting on all the things going on in my life. First off, I got shitcanned from my job driving people from the airport to the car-rental place and back. I was on lunch break one day when the guy who was filling in for me dinged a car in the parking lot and didn't tell anyone. The manager thought I did it, so when I checked the bus in for the night, he fired me on the spot, without even checking out my story. Man, that hurt. I was seventh in line for a promotion.
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Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate

BOSTON—Ending months of speculation, presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry announced Tuesday that he has selected the young, vibrant, recently decorated war hero John Kerry as his running mate.

Kerry (right) presents his running mate at a campaign event in Boston.

"In my search for a vice-president, I considered many qualified men and women," Kerry said, announcing his decision at Boston University. "But one man stood apart from the madding crowd as brave, honest, and full of life. One man displayed a true desire to change America for the better—not through political maneuvering, but through hard work. That man was me, 35 years ago."

Kerry said he was inspired to nominate John Kerry of 1969 by, of all things, a photo in a magazine.

"I was paging through Time and I came across a picture of a very proud, and, might I add, handsome 25-year-old man in full military uniform, just returning from the conflict in Vietnam," Kerry said. "He was strong, fit, and in the flower of youth. I couldn't look away. It was as if there was a light shining from within him. I knew that this man was destined for the White House."

Kerry said his newly chosen running mate graduated from Yale University in 1966, after which he volunteered for the Navy, serving as a swift-boat officer on a gunboat in the Mekong Delta in Vietnam. For his exemplary service, the young soldier was awarded a Silver Star, a Bronze Star, and three Purple Hearts.

"My running mate is a natural-born leader," Kerry said. "He was born at Fitzsimons Military Hospital in Denver, where his father was recovering from tuberculosis after volunteering for the Army Air Corps in WWII. He continues to uphold a belief instilled in him from a young age: that you must always fight for what you believe in, no matter the cost. Man, to be 25 again."

Kerry spoke of the "exemplary character" of the man with whom he now shares the Democratic ticket.

"My running mate is smart, hard-working, and, above all, unsullied by compromise," said the four-term senator from Massachusetts. "The more I learn about this man, the more I admire him."

"To tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I were more like him," Kerry added.

According to many party insiders, a Kerry/Kerry ticket carries a host of advantages.

"It's a perfect match," said John Podesta, head of the left-leaning Center for American Progress. "John Kerry has the experience older voters look for, but the 1969 Kerry has the freshness, idealism, and hope that inspires younger voters."

Kerry agreed.

"After spending 20 years in the Senate, I have the know-how to lead America to better jobs, quality health care, and greater opportunities for our children," the Massachusetts senator said. "My running mate has the courage to keep our administration honest to itself and its beliefs. Together, we possess much more than either of us alone could bring to the ticket."

According to senior sources within the Kerry campaign, the decision was made last week, but kept quiet until campaign staffers could finish a background check on the potential vice-presidential candidate.

"We had to finish vetting him," Kerry advisor Jim Johnson said. "When picking a VP, you've got to examine his whole life, from childhood on. The last thing we wanted was to have some surprise about his past turn up after he'd already been put on the ticket."

Campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill expressed her support for Kerry's new vice-presidential partner.

"This bright young star is a national treasure," Cahill said. "He's earnest and true to himself. It's been years since I've met anyone in politics that I respect anywhere near as much as I do young John Kerry."

Kerry appeared unsurprised when reporters asked him to comment on statements his running mate made about the Vietnam War.

"Yes, my running mate has made remarks that have been critical of certain decisions made in Washington," Kerry said. "He and I do not agree on every point. But may I remind you that this man voluntarily enlisted to serve in Vietnam? He didn't have to go to war, but he chose to go, to serve his country. He got shot at and wounded. He could have died. Some nights he was scared, but he just kept on going, kept fighting with his fellow soldiers, fighting for America."

Added Kerry: "Now, I'll admit that he still has some unresolved feelings about some aspects of his military service. But, as far as I'm concerned, there's no doubt about one thing: The man is a hero."

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