Kerry: Stem-Cell Research May Hold Cure To Ailing Campaign

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Vol 40 Issue 42

Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar

SPOKANE, WA—Members of the Washington State University-Spokane student body announced Monday that everyone is afraid to visit K-Dee's Tap, that one bar without any windows next to the hardware store on Fordam Avenue. "[K-Dee's] is some kind of biker drug bar or something," sophomore Peter Mendis said. "The drinks are super cheap and they stay open like an hour after bar time, but don't go in there. My friend J.J.'s roommate's brother almost got stabbed there." K-Dee's leather-jacketed bartender, a 67-year-old with a leg brace, said he had no recollection of the near-stabbing, but did caution that, in general, the regular patrons do not welcome "college boys."

Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities

LOS ANGELES—Waitress and aspiring singer Olivia Martin, 21, had her hopes of stardom dashed by a panel of washed-up celebrities Monday. "All I've wanted to do my whole life is bring people joy with my singing, but Martika said I should stick to serving pancakes," said Martin, whose performing also received poor reviews from former MTV VJ Alan Hunter and Saved By The Bell's Mario Lopez. "This was my big break, but I blew it." Martika, who sang the 1988 hit "Toy Soldiers," said Martin lacked stage presence and didn't have "that special something it takes to be a star."

Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy

LHASA, TIBET—Deng Hsu, 14, said Monday that he is "totally getting into Western philosophy." "I've been reading a lot of Kant, Descartes, and Hegel, and it's blowing my mind," Hsu said. "It's so exotic and exciting, not like all that Buddhist 'being is desire and desire is suffering' shit my parents have been cramming down my throat all my life. Most of the kids in my school have never even heard of Hume's views on objectivity or Locke's tabula rasa." Hsu said he hopes to one day make an exodus to north London to visit the birthplace of John Stuart Mill.

Millions Of American Lips Called To Service In Fight Against Poverty

NEW YORK—In response to the record number of American poor, Secretary of the Treasury John Snow called millions of American lips to service Monday. "Poverty is a menace to society," Snow said. "As the ranks of the nation's poor grow and more social programs are scaled back, it is crucial that all able Americans talk about how something must be done." Snow then entreated all able-voiced men and women between the ages of 18 and 24 to volunteer to periodically mention that the current poverty rate of 12.5 percent is too high.

Nader Polling At 8 Percent Among Past Supporters

WASHINGTON, DC—A CNN/Gallup poll released Monday shows that 8 percent of those who voted for presidential candidate Ralph Nader in the 2000 election will vote for him again in 2004. "Americans feel it's time for an end to corporate-controlled government, or at least 1/12th of those who voted for me in 2000 do," Nader said, addressing a handful of supporters scattered throughout a lecture hall at Georgetown University. "Don't be satisfied with politics as usual. That is my message to those who voted for me four years ago. Get back with the team." Nader said that 230,000 votes, while nowhere near enough to win, might be sufficient to muck up another election.

A Day Off? Sheeit

'Sup, G's. Check it out: Debbilyn Sundquist, tha Midstate human-resources secretary, e-mailed me.

Battleground States

A handful of battleground states will be key in deciding the 2004 presidential election. What are some of the states most concerned about?
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Kerry: Stem-Cell Research May Hold Cure To Ailing Campaign

ROCHESTER, MN—In a major policy address at the Mayo Clinic Tuesday, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry drew a sharp distinction between himself and President Bush by championing unfettered scientific exploration of embryonic stem cells, which experts say could hold the cure to Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and Kerry's ailing campaign.

Kerry displays a test tube, which he said "holds the potential to change millions of votes."

"The possibilities are limitless, both for science and my campaign," said Kerry, who enjoyed a bump in the polls after the debates but is still struggling to secure a lead over Bush. "If adequately funded, stem-cell researchers might find cures for hundreds of diseases, from diabetes to cancer. And, if the nation would focus on my opponent's ideological extremism, I might get elected."

In 2001, the Bush administration placed limits on federal funding for stem-cell research. This move was applauded by many religious conservatives, who oppose stem-cell research because it requires the harvesting of stem-cell lines from human embryos.

"For too long, President Bush has curtailed science on ideological grounds, for his own political purposes," Kerry said. "I pledge to support science on rational grounds, for my own political purposes. Stem-cell research could improve the lives of hundreds of millions of Americans, and the issue could dramatically increase my popularity. We must push the boundaries of scientific exploration now, before Nov. 2."

"My opponent has put the interests of a vocal minority over the needs of me, my campaign staff, and John Edwards," Kerry added. "That is just wrong."

According to Democratic strategist Stanley Greenberg, stem-cell research is not universally opposed by Republicans. In fact, many opponents of abortion support stem-cell research. Greenberg said careful research into the voting patterns of moderates and swing voters may provide the "golden key" to using the stem-cell issue to advance Kerry's campaign.

"Studies show that nearly 80 percent of voters support stem-cell research," Greenberg said. "A full 206 members of the U.S. House of Representatives and 58 members of the Senate have urged Bush to lift federal funding restrictions on stem-cell lines. Kerry's campaign managers can't ignore this potentially campaign-changing data."

Kerry inquires about campaign-rejuvenating applications for stem cells at a Norak Biosciences laboratory.

Greenberg said stem-cell research could hold tremendous promise for other politicians, as well.

"Stem-cell research might unlock cures for many of the afflictions that face hundreds of Democratic political candidates, right down to the state level," Greenberg said. "That is, if they were lucky enough to find the right campaign ad."

Ravi Dubad, a professor of political science at Rutgers, said that, in spite of the "enormous potential" of stem-cell research, the media have yet to adequately explore it.

"The issue received only limited attention during the Democratic Convention in July—when Ronald Reagan Jr. spoke out in its favor—and again, with the recent death of Christopher Reeve," Dubad said. "But I believe the area of stem-cell research could provide thousands, if not millions, of sound bites. It's important for Kerry to raise these issues in debates and stump speeches. But, in order to really make a difference, people outside of the scientific and political communities must get involved, as well."

Democratic vice-presidential nominee John Edwards, however, said candidates should focus on those who are suffering most.

"Scientific exploration in this field holds immense promise for the millions of Americans who are afflicted with genetic diseases or are members of the Democratic party," Edwards said. "Stem-cell research may be the last, best hope for those suffering under diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and the Bush administration."

Continued Edwards: "Senator Kerry and I pledge to support stem-cell research as a part of our plan to put America on the path to scientific excellence. And, as a part of our plan to win this election, we will begin to talk more often, and more succinctly, about how we pledge to support stem-cell research."

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