Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America

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Vol 40 Issue 32

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.

Things Are Starting To Turn Around

Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late.

Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America

WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day "Solution For America" bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House.

Kerry describes his plan to rebuild the nation.

"If I am elected in November, no inner-city child will have to live in an America where George Bush is president," Kerry said, addressing a packed Maize High School auditorium. "No senior citizen will lie awake at night, worrying about whether George Bush is still the chief executive of this country. And no American—regardless of gender, regardless of class, regardless of race—will be represented by George Bush in the world community."

The Solution For America tour, which began in Boston, will end in Eugene, OR on Aug. 20. During the next week and a half, Kerry and vice-presidential hopeful John Edwards are expected to bring their message of a Bush-free country to several hundred thousand Americans.

In the speech, Kerry offered a solution for the nation's ailing education system.

"Schools do not have the resources they need to succeed," Kerry said. "One million students are dropping out of high school every year. John Kerry and John Edwards have a plan to ensure that all Americans can make the most of their God-given talents: Get George Bush out of the White House."

Kerry also spoke on the subject of national security.

"This country has embraced a new and dangerously ineffective disregard for the world," Kerry said. "In order to win the global war against terror, we must promote democracy, freedom, and opportunity around the world. My national-defense policy will be guided by one imperative: Don't be George Bush. As will my plans to create a strong economy, protect civil rights, develop a better healthcare system, and improve homeland security."

Joining Kerry at the podium, Edwards raised one issue not discussed by his running mate: the environment.

"Let's not forget one important point," Edwards said. "We need to set a new standard of environmental excellence for America by renewing our nation's promise of clean air, clean water, and a bountiful landscape for all. In the 21st century, we can have progress without pollution—as long as we have a Dick Cheney-free White House."

The new message is resonating with registered Democrats.

"John Kerry really spoke to my dream, my hope, and my aspiration for this nation," University of Kansas sophomore Jason Brandt said. "He sees the world as I do."

"With all the mess that's going on in the country—the deficits, the government's power-grab, the wars—it's time for a president who admits that there's a problem and has a plan to fix it," Brandt added. "A president who is not George W. Bush is exactly what we need—and Kerry fits the bill 100 percent."

Kerry's message resonated less strongly with one Lawrence, KS swing voter.

"Politicians make a lot of campaign promises," Lance Radda said. "Sure, this not-being-Bush policy sounds good now. But how can we be sure that Kerry will deliver on that promise once in office?"

Kerry addressed Radda's question.

"I promise you, here and now, that I will enact my one-point plan on the day I enter the Oval Office," Kerry said. "For the last three and a half years, we've had George W. Bush, and today I have this to say: We can do better!"

In his final words, Kerry changed the subject to attack Bush's record.

"During his term in office, George Bush has relentlessly continued to be president—despite the clear benefits to America his absence would bring to the lives of citizens everywhere," Kerry said. "My one-point plan for America highlights the sort of change that this country desperately needs. And my plan is something that George Bush will never, ever be able to accomplish."

Bush-Cheney campaign manager Ken Mehlman described Kerry's plan as a vicious, partisan attack.

"It's absolutely ridiculous that John Kerry is offering one solution to all of America's problems," Mehlman said. "Who's going to listen to logic like that? Anyone can see that Kerry is a Massachusetts liberal who will raise your taxes and open our borders to terrorist attacks. Vote Bush."

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