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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex

ST. PAUL, MN—Following U.S. Sen. John Kerry's win in the Minnesota Democratic primary, campaign volunteer Ron Pelles, 24, got a little Kerry-primary victory sex off of fellow volunteer Dawn Beecher Monday. "Dawn and I were on such a high after Kerry took the state," Pelles said Tuesday morning. "She gave me a congratulatory hug while we were loading up the van, and there was just so much energy in the air that—bam!" Pelles said that he and Beecher, a political-science major at the University of St. Thomas, went back to his apartment and had intercourse twice, once with Beecher on top and once in the spoon position.

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