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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

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