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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Kevin Durant Has Off Night With Quiet 94-For-128, 210-Point Performance

OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite his team’s victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves, Oklahoma City Thunder coach Scott Brooks admitted to reporters Wednesday night that forward Kevin Durant gave a largely subdued performance, converting just 94 of 128 shots and finishing the game with only 210 points. “Kevin had one of those nights where it just wasn’t happening for him offensively, but we can’t expect him to keep putting up 250 shots every game like he’s been doing,” said Brooks, stressing that Durant’s underwhelming 49 rebounds, 57 assists, and 72 points from outside the arc are not indicative of any major issues with the three-time NBA scoring champion. “Credit has to go to the Timberwolves’ defense—they contained Durant and restricted him to just 134 points inside the paint. But at the end of the day, it’s only one game, and he’ll bounce back from it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he returns to his usual standard with at least 300 points next game.” Brooks went on to say that the rest of his players “really stepped up” amidst Durant’s struggles, collectively scoring 29 points.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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