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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Kevin Durant Has Off Night With Quiet 94-For-128, 210-Point Performance

OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite his team’s victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves, Oklahoma City Thunder coach Scott Brooks admitted to reporters Wednesday night that forward Kevin Durant gave a largely subdued performance, converting just 94 of 128 shots and finishing the game with only 210 points. “Kevin had one of those nights where it just wasn’t happening for him offensively, but we can’t expect him to keep putting up 250 shots every game like he’s been doing,” said Brooks, stressing that Durant’s underwhelming 49 rebounds, 57 assists, and 72 points from outside the arc are not indicative of any major issues with the three-time NBA scoring champion. “Credit has to go to the Timberwolves’ defense—they contained Durant and restricted him to just 134 points inside the paint. But at the end of the day, it’s only one game, and he’ll bounce back from it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he returns to his usual standard with at least 300 points next game.” Brooks went on to say that the rest of his players “really stepped up” amidst Durant’s struggles, collectively scoring 29 points.

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