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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Kevin Garnett No Longer On Roaring Terms With Ray Allen

BOSTON—In response to the shooting guard’s decision to sign with the Miami Heat earlier this offseason, Celtics forward Kevin Garnett confirmed Wednesday that he’s no longer on growling terms with longtime friend and former teammate Ray Allen. “It is what it is. I will not be shouting at the top of my lungs in that guy’s face from now on,” said Garnett, adding that he would never again roar at Allen in private nor would he engage in any pregame trash-screaming. “He made a decision based on his family, and I respect that, but it does mean he can’t keep expecting me to utter a deep howl of excitement whenever I see him.” Garnett, who has not communicated with referee Ed Malloy for several years, announced that he was finally ready to start whispering threats in the NBA official’s ear again.

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