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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Kevin Garnett No Longer On Roaring Terms With Ray Allen

BOSTON—In response to the shooting guard’s decision to sign with the Miami Heat earlier this offseason, Celtics forward Kevin Garnett confirmed Wednesday that he’s no longer on growling terms with longtime friend and former teammate Ray Allen. “It is what it is. I will not be shouting at the top of my lungs in that guy’s face from now on,” said Garnett, adding that he would never again roar at Allen in private nor would he engage in any pregame trash-screaming. “He made a decision based on his family, and I respect that, but it does mean he can’t keep expecting me to utter a deep howl of excitement whenever I see him.” Garnett, who has not communicated with referee Ed Malloy for several years, announced that he was finally ready to start whispering threats in the NBA official’s ear again.

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