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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Kevin Garnett Now Screaming Each Time Rajon Rondo Scores

BOSTON —Now that Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo has emerged as the team's leading postseason scorer, 33-year-old forward Kevin Garnett has taken to emitting his signature primal scream each time Rondo makes a basket. "I'm no longer able to contain myself when I pass it back out to him because I can't get through a double-team, or when he hits a three while I'm stumbling in the paint," Garnett told reporters after Rondo's 22-point performance Thursday, during which Garnett punctuated the point guard's behind-the-back fast-break assist by pounding Rondo's chest with his fist. "I think I feel it the most when I'm grinding under the basket and I flip up an off-balance shot that clangs off the front of the rim, and Rajon's there to rebound and lay it back all in one motion and I'm like, 'GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!'" Garnett also announced plans to engage in histrionics whenever Glen Davis does something in the interior that Garnett is no longer capable of doing.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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