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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Kevin Kolb: 'I've Always Dreamed Of Playing For The Bills Since I Was Released By The Cardinals And Had No Other Options'

BUFFALO, NY—After signing a two-year contract with the team, quarterback Kevin Kolb revealed Wednesday that he has always dreamt of playing for the Buffalo Bills from the moment he was cut by the Arizona Cardinals and had absolutely no other alternatives. “Ever since I can remember being a free agent without a shred of interest from any other teams, I’ve always wanted to wear that Bills uniform,” said Kolb, adding that he leapt at the opportunity as soon as he heard the Bills were the sole NFL franchise willing to employ him following his disappointing stint with the Cardinals. “To finally be where I’ve dreamed of playing since back when I was told by my agent that the Bills were my only shot at continuing my NFL career—it is really a dream come true.” Reached for comment, Bills head coach Doug Marrone told reporters he had always hoped to work with Kolb, dating back to the first time he realized the six-year veteran was the only quarterback the team could get.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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