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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Kevin Kolb: 'I've Always Dreamed Of Playing For The Bills Since I Was Released By The Cardinals And Had No Other Options'

BUFFALO, NY—After signing a two-year contract with the team, quarterback Kevin Kolb revealed Wednesday that he has always dreamt of playing for the Buffalo Bills from the moment he was cut by the Arizona Cardinals and had absolutely no other alternatives. “Ever since I can remember being a free agent without a shred of interest from any other teams, I’ve always wanted to wear that Bills uniform,” said Kolb, adding that he leapt at the opportunity as soon as he heard the Bills were the sole NFL franchise willing to employ him following his disappointing stint with the Cardinals. “To finally be where I’ve dreamed of playing since back when I was told by my agent that the Bills were my only shot at continuing my NFL career—it is really a dream come true.” Reached for comment, Bills head coach Doug Marrone told reporters he had always hoped to work with Kolb, dating back to the first time he realized the six-year veteran was the only quarterback the team could get.

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