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Kevin Youkilis Puts Sign-Up Sheet For Threesome In Red Sox Dugout

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Kevin Youkilis Puts Sign-Up Sheet For Threesome In Red Sox Dugout

BOSTON—Third baseman Kevin Youkilis reportedly posted a sign-up sheet for a threesome in the Red Sox dugout Monday, encouraging players and coaches to join him for a great opportunity to “get their fuck on.” “Let’s do this, guys. I’m already super hard thinking about all this group boning,” said Youkilis, who pretended to stroke a 4-foot-long erection while urging teammembers to also sign up girlfriends, wives, or even grandmothers, as long as they weren’t squeamish about “backdoor action.” “The combination doesn’t matter as long as there’s an equal number of poles and holes. Dustin, I’m going to put your name up here. You don’t have to join in. You can just jerk it in the corner if you want. We’re all just trying to get off, right?” According to sources, Youkilis warned the team to wear clothes that they didn’t mind getting jizz-stained.

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