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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Kevin Youkilis Takes Out Full-Page Ad In 'Juggs' To Thank All The Trim In Boston

BOSTON—Former Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis took out a full-page advertisement in Juggs on Monday thanking "all the trim in Boston" for being "the absolute greatest cooch in the world." "Dear Gash of Boston: For the past eight years, I have loved every minute I spent dipping my wick inside hot, wet snatch from Braintree to Cambridge and pounding that puss like crazy," the ad, which featured text wrapped around an image of Youkilis flicking his tongue between his index and middle fingers, read in part. "I will always cherish the time I spent deep-dicking your slits and tonguing your clits. Thank you from the bottom of my rock-hard cock, Kevin Youkilis, 69." Youkilis, who returned to Fenway Park this week for the first time since being traded to the White Sox, pretended to hump his baseball cap as he took the field Monday, all the while urging Red Sox fans to show their support by "flashing [him] some beaver."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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