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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Kevin Youkilis Takes Out Full-Page Ad In 'Juggs' To Thank All The Trim In Boston

BOSTON—Former Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis took out a full-page advertisement in Juggs on Monday thanking "all the trim in Boston" for being "the absolute greatest cooch in the world." "Dear Gash of Boston: For the past eight years, I have loved every minute I spent dipping my wick inside hot, wet snatch from Braintree to Cambridge and pounding that puss like crazy," the ad, which featured text wrapped around an image of Youkilis flicking his tongue between his index and middle fingers, read in part. "I will always cherish the time I spent deep-dicking your slits and tonguing your clits. Thank you from the bottom of my rock-hard cock, Kevin Youkilis, 69." Youkilis, who returned to Fenway Park this week for the first time since being traded to the White Sox, pretended to hump his baseball cap as he took the field Monday, all the while urging Red Sox fans to show their support by "flashing [him] some beaver."

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