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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Key Halftime Adjustments Propel Fourth-Grade Rec Basketball Team To 8-Point Third Quarter

WARREN, MI—Completing a stunning turnaround after the opposing team had jumped out to a commanding two-score lead, a local fourth-grade recreational basketball team made several key halftime adjustments Wednesday night that propelled them to a dominant eight-point third quarter. “We had a rough start, but deciding to put the ball in [guard Michael] Higgins’ hands really paid off when he absolutely caught fire by going two-of-nine in the second half,” said coach Jeff Hornyak, who also credited the addition of a second play for the team’s offensive explosion of four unanswered points over the first seven minutes of the third quarter. “Of course, Tyler [Guertner] also came up huge with a two-pointer after we told him to concentrate on using the backboard to bank in layups instead of launching airballs from several feet behind the three-point line, and our renewed emphasis on getting to the foul line worked out perfectly once we finally sank one. This was easily the most impressive game I’ve seen from these guys all year.” While pleased with his team’s offensive firepower, Hornyak added that none of it would have been possible without 5-foot-tall center Patrick Clark’s 37 rebounds.

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