Key Races: Governor

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Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
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Key Races: Governor

CALIFORNIA:

Jerry Brown (D) vs. Meg Whitman (R)

Business experience:

  • Brown: Former eBay Power-Seller of Oakland Raiders mud flaps
  • Whitman: Former CEO of eBay

Demeanor:

  • Brown: Crotchety
  • Whitman: Unpleasant

Pet pejorative:

  • Brown: "Whore"
  • Whitman: "Jerry Brown"

Diving board:

  • Brown: Can opener
  • Whitman: Cannonball

Song written about candidate:

  • Brown: Dead Kennedys "California Über Alles"
  • Whitman: "Meg," sung to the tune of Steely Dan"s "Peg"

Campaign slogan:

  • Brown: "Jerry Brown 2010: Just Make an Old Man Happy Before He Dies"
  • Whitman: "(877 ★) 99.6% Positive Feedback"

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