Key Races: Governor

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Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Key Races: Governor


Carl Paladino (R) vs. Andrew Cuomo (D)


  • Paladino: Droopy-serious
  • Cuomo: Twinkly-hopeful

Stance on gay marriage:

  • Paladino: Against, because why buy the cow?
  • Cuomo: For it, but not sure about the whole meeting on the Internet thing

View of stimulus bill:

  • Paladino: Didn't help
  • Cuomo: Didn't hurt

Mother's meatball recipe:

  • Paladino: Better than any restaurant, my hand to God
  • Cuomo: Friggin' unbelievable

Top adviser:

  • Paladino: Mr. Tire Iron, right here
  • Cuomo: Father and former governor Mario Cuomo

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