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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Key Races: Governor

NEW YORK:

Carl Paladino (R) vs. Andrew Cuomo (D)

Eyes:

  • Paladino: Droopy-serious
  • Cuomo: Twinkly-hopeful

Stance on gay marriage:

  • Paladino: Against, because why buy the cow?
  • Cuomo: For it, but not sure about the whole meeting on the Internet thing

View of stimulus bill:

  • Paladino: Didn't help
  • Cuomo: Didn't hurt

Mother's meatball recipe:

  • Paladino: Better than any restaurant, my hand to God
  • Cuomo: Friggin' unbelievable

Top adviser:

  • Paladino: Mr. Tire Iron, right here
  • Cuomo: Father and former governor Mario Cuomo

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