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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Key Races: Senate

NEVADA:

Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R)

Campaign bus name:

  • Reid: ReidRod
  • Angle: AngleWagon

Position on foreign policy:

  • Reid: Wants U.S. military to be powerful
  • Angle: Wants U.S. military to be mighty

Astrological indicators:

  • Reid: Sagittarians are prone to fits of rage, flightiness
  • Angle: Leos have a stubborn streak, heavy periods

Scandal:

  • Reid: Used taxpayer money to fund Viagra
  • Angle: Caught making and selling star maps of local Reno celebrities

On the Proper Size of Government:

  • Reid: "We must carefully balance the size of our federal government between the debt load that we can bear and the vital projects that lobbyists pay me for."
  • Angle: "Traffic lights stomp on our freedoms! To arms, my brothers!"

Stance on Medicare, Social Security, the Federal Reserve, the U.N., the Department of Education, combating climate change, forcing BP to pay for oil-spill damages, allowing abortions for rape and incest victims, and fluoridating drinking water:

  • Reid: Pro
  • Angle: Anti

Quote from debate:

  • Reid: "I'm sorry, but I'm unfamiliar with these Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama people you keep mentioning."
  • Angle: "Hold on a sec and let me come up with an answer that's absolutely fucking nuts."

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