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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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  • More News

Key Races: Senate

NEVADA:

Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R)

Campaign bus name:

  • Reid: ReidRod
  • Angle: AngleWagon

Position on foreign policy:

  • Reid: Wants U.S. military to be powerful
  • Angle: Wants U.S. military to be mighty

Astrological indicators:

  • Reid: Sagittarians are prone to fits of rage, flightiness
  • Angle: Leos have a stubborn streak, heavy periods

Scandal:

  • Reid: Used taxpayer money to fund Viagra
  • Angle: Caught making and selling star maps of local Reno celebrities

On the Proper Size of Government:

  • Reid: "We must carefully balance the size of our federal government between the debt load that we can bear and the vital projects that lobbyists pay me for."
  • Angle: "Traffic lights stomp on our freedoms! To arms, my brothers!"

Stance on Medicare, Social Security, the Federal Reserve, the U.N., the Department of Education, combating climate change, forcing BP to pay for oil-spill damages, allowing abortions for rape and incest victims, and fluoridating drinking water:

  • Reid: Pro
  • Angle: Anti

Quote from debate:

  • Reid: "I'm sorry, but I'm unfamiliar with these Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama people you keep mentioning."
  • Angle: "Hold on a sec and let me come up with an answer that's absolutely fucking nuts."

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