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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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Key Races: Senate

NEVADA:

Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R)

Campaign bus name:

  • Reid: ReidRod
  • Angle: AngleWagon

Position on foreign policy:

  • Reid: Wants U.S. military to be powerful
  • Angle: Wants U.S. military to be mighty

Astrological indicators:

  • Reid: Sagittarians are prone to fits of rage, flightiness
  • Angle: Leos have a stubborn streak, heavy periods

Scandal:

  • Reid: Used taxpayer money to fund Viagra
  • Angle: Caught making and selling star maps of local Reno celebrities

On the Proper Size of Government:

  • Reid: "We must carefully balance the size of our federal government between the debt load that we can bear and the vital projects that lobbyists pay me for."
  • Angle: "Traffic lights stomp on our freedoms! To arms, my brothers!"

Stance on Medicare, Social Security, the Federal Reserve, the U.N., the Department of Education, combating climate change, forcing BP to pay for oil-spill damages, allowing abortions for rape and incest victims, and fluoridating drinking water:

  • Reid: Pro
  • Angle: Anti

Quote from debate:

  • Reid: "I'm sorry, but I'm unfamiliar with these Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama people you keep mentioning."
  • Angle: "Hold on a sec and let me come up with an answer that's absolutely fucking nuts."

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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