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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Key Races: Senate

WISCONSIN:

Russ Feingold (D) vs. Ron Johnson (R)

Barber:

  • Feingold: Tony's on Jefferson Avenue
  • Johnson: Wife cuts his hair

Position on taxes:

  • Feingold: Extend tax cuts for only bottom 90% of earners
  • Johnson: Extend tax cuts for 110% of earners

Position on Iraq:

  • Feingold: Insufferably verbose
  • Johnson: Eerily silent

Folksy Hook:

  • Feingold: Knows a lot about sports
  • Johnson: Built his business from the ground up

Stance on Abortion:

  • Feingold: Like all Democrats, believes that women should visit their abortionist for regular checkups twice a year
  • Johnson: Opposed, but believes you have every right to gun down a fetus that willfully trespasses onto your private property

Position on Gun Rights:

  • Feingold: Too scared to voice true opinion on Second Amendment while standing next to Ron Johnson at debate lectern
  • Johnson: Answers all questions by firing his rifle once for "yes" and twice for "no"

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