adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Key Races: Senate

WISCONSIN:

Russ Feingold (D) vs. Ron Johnson (R)

Barber:

  • Feingold: Tony's on Jefferson Avenue
  • Johnson: Wife cuts his hair

Position on taxes:

  • Feingold: Extend tax cuts for only bottom 90% of earners
  • Johnson: Extend tax cuts for 110% of earners

Position on Iraq:

  • Feingold: Insufferably verbose
  • Johnson: Eerily silent

Folksy Hook:

  • Feingold: Knows a lot about sports
  • Johnson: Built his business from the ground up

Stance on Abortion:

  • Feingold: Like all Democrats, believes that women should visit their abortionist for regular checkups twice a year
  • Johnson: Opposed, but believes you have every right to gun down a fetus that willfully trespasses onto your private property

Position on Gun Rights:

  • Feingold: Too scared to voice true opinion on Second Amendment while standing next to Ron Johnson at debate lectern
  • Johnson: Answers all questions by firing his rifle once for "yes" and twice for "no"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close