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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:
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Key Races: Senate

WISCONSIN:

Russ Feingold (D) vs. Ron Johnson (R)

Barber:

  • Feingold: Tony's on Jefferson Avenue
  • Johnson: Wife cuts his hair

Position on taxes:

  • Feingold: Extend tax cuts for only bottom 90% of earners
  • Johnson: Extend tax cuts for 110% of earners

Position on Iraq:

  • Feingold: Insufferably verbose
  • Johnson: Eerily silent

Folksy Hook:

  • Feingold: Knows a lot about sports
  • Johnson: Built his business from the ground up

Stance on Abortion:

  • Feingold: Like all Democrats, believes that women should visit their abortionist for regular checkups twice a year
  • Johnson: Opposed, but believes you have every right to gun down a fetus that willfully trespasses onto your private property

Position on Gun Rights:

  • Feingold: Too scared to voice true opinion on Second Amendment while standing next to Ron Johnson at debate lectern
  • Johnson: Answers all questions by firing his rifle once for "yes" and twice for "no"

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