Key Races: The House

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Key Races: The House

ALABAMA 2ND CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT:

Bobby Bright (D) vs. Martha Roby (R)

Time to eat a 72-ounce steak:

  • Bright: Didn't finish
  • Roby: 25 minutes, 17 seconds

Knows what a congressman does:

  • Bright: Yes
  • Roby: Sorta

Imaginary friend:

  • Bright: Darius, who sees value in all cultures
  • Roby: Galt, who thinks we're destroying the profit motive

Character-building childhood experience:

  • Bright: Picking cotton
  • Roby: Attending Billy Ray Cyrus’ Some Gave All tour

Campaign song:

  • Bright: "Sweet Home Alabama"
  • Roby: "Sweet Home Alabama" (live version)

Campaign promise:

  • Bright: State will finally surpass Mississippi to claim the 49th spot in at least one quality-of-life ranking
  • Roby: Challenge Nancy Pelosi to a duel

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More