Key Races: The House

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Key Races: The House

NEW HAMPSHIRE 1ST CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT:

Carol Shea-Porter (D) vs. Frank Guinta (R)

Campaign promise:

  • Shea-Porter: Will double the maple syrup subsidy and impose a tariff on foreign foliage
  • Guinta: Vows to eliminate wasteful government bodies like the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, and the Coast Guard

Opinion of New Hampshire:

  • Shea-Porter: It's fine
  • Guinta: Could take it or leave it

Simpler times:

  • Shea-Porter: Butter churn
  • Guinta: Griddle cakes

Ever got drunk at a quarry:

  • Shea-Porter: No comment
  • Guinta: Went to boarding school

Biggest campaign blunder:

  • Shea-Porter: Forgot to approve message during campaign commercial
  • Guinta: Accidentally campaigned in Vermont for six weeks before realizing he was in wrong state

Lifestyle choice:

  • Shea-Porter: Living free
  • Guinta: Dying

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More