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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Key Races: The House

NEW HAMPSHIRE 1ST CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT:

Carol Shea-Porter (D) vs. Frank Guinta (R)

Campaign promise:

  • Shea-Porter: Will double the maple syrup subsidy and impose a tariff on foreign foliage
  • Guinta: Vows to eliminate wasteful government bodies like the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, and the Coast Guard

Opinion of New Hampshire:

  • Shea-Porter: It's fine
  • Guinta: Could take it or leave it

Simpler times:

  • Shea-Porter: Butter churn
  • Guinta: Griddle cakes

Ever got drunk at a quarry:

  • Shea-Porter: No comment
  • Guinta: Went to boarding school

Biggest campaign blunder:

  • Shea-Porter: Forgot to approve message during campaign commercial
  • Guinta: Accidentally campaigned in Vermont for six weeks before realizing he was in wrong state

Lifestyle choice:

  • Shea-Porter: Living free
  • Guinta: Dying

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