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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged 9/11 mastermind who recently admitted to murdering journalist Daniel Pearl and planning more than 30 other terrorist acts, confessed on tape Monday that he had made his recent confessions under extreme physical and mental duress.

"I deeply regret any inaccuracies or exaggerations I may have uttered in my agitated mental state," a bloodied, visibly exhausted Mohammed said in a videotaped statement. "But the men with whom I was cooperating said the pain would only stop if I had in fact beheaded Pearl with my own hands, planned the September 11th attacks, and was actually Osama bin Laden after extensive plastic surgery. Again, I apologize for any difficulties that may arise from any misinformation I may have provided."

CIA and military intelligence officers said they were willing to intensify their interrogation of Mohammed if his torture claims prove inaccurate.

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