Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written

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Vol 39 Issue 26

Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired

EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.

Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class

GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI–Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as "upper-middle class" Monday. "I guess I'm pretty well-off. I make a decent upper-middle-class living, but I'm certainly not what you'd call super-rich," said Blakeley, whose annual salary of $675,000 puts him in the top one-half of 1 percent of Americans. "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."

Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files

CHICAGO–At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional nail files. "Look–they have the State Farm logo printed right on them," said Beth Hoffman, 37, a Zion, IL, mother of four, as she clutched a handful of the complimentary items. "I'll grab a few extra for Mom. I'm sure she could use a couple, too." The horde of freebie-seeking Midwesterners then moved on to the Century 21 real-estate booth, where they plundered a basket filled with free business cards that turn to sponges when dunked in water.

Summer Music Festivals

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Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had.
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Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written

FLAGSTAFF, AZ–Wayne Gorlin, 41, a sales associate for Air-izona Air Filtration Systems, has written a kick-ass sales proposal for the company's new line of Breathex air purifiers, sources reported Tuesday.

Air-izona Air Filtration Systems sales associate Wayne Gorlin.

"I've been working my butt off to get this together so I can hit the ground running next week," said Gorlin, holding the seven-page document. "As summer comes, people are thinking air conditioners and cooling systems, and an Air-izona air-filtration system is the next logical step."

Added Gorlin: "There's no way I'm not going to reel in some orders with this baby. It's got all the pertinent info, and it looks great, to boot."

The killer proposal, jam-packed with information about Air-izona's entire line of Breathex air-purification systems, specifically targets businesses large enough to require an air-cleaning system servicing 4,000 to 6,000 square feet. The purifiers would also be suitable, however, for someone with a very large residential home.

"This baby covers every possible use," said Gorlin, who spent nearly three weeks writing and refining the client-centered proposal. "Some of the other guys in the office don't take the time to put something nice together. Or maybe they just don't have the know-how. I've been working in sales for almost 16 years, so I do."

Gorlin said he likes to give prospective customers primo printed materials to help them make "as informed a decision as possible."

"These systems do not come cheap, so it's good to hand the customer a leave-behind," Gorlin said. "When someone is about to drop eight or nine grand on an air system, he's going to have a lot of questions. This little number will give him the answers."

"Got some nice full-color photos of the Breathex line, got some charts showing the effectiveness of air cleaners in reducing pollutant concentrations in indoor air," Gorlin said as he leafed through the proposal. "Ton of other great stuff. I did my homework. You gotta do your homework. There's no B.S.-ing your way through something like this."

"Look at this," Gorlin added, pointing to a section labeled "Pollutants Of Concern." "Someone reads what it is they're breathing in on a daily basis: biological particles like animal and insect allergens, viruses, bacteria, and molds. Gaseous organic compounds. Radon. Well, they don't have to be an expert in air filtration to understand why they need the Breathex air purifier Model AXA central system. This bad boy rocks."

Gorlin said he can custom-tailor the proposal to the specific needs of a particular business by including brochures he feels are most appropriate.

"A hospital isn't going to need the same system as a bar or an office building," Gorlin said. "That's just idiotic."

Gorlin added that when he sends proposals to prospective buyers, he plans to enclose a letter addressed to the specific individual responsible for making purchasing decisions for a company.

"That kind of personal touch makes all the difference," Gorlin said. "If I'm a buyer, who am I gonna go with: The air-filtration company that sends me a letter addressed 'To Whom It May Concern,' or the one that actually knows my name? I think the answer is pretty obvious."

After weeks of preparation, Gorlin will finally put his kick-ass proposal to the test this coming Monday, when he will drive his Toyota Camry around Flagstaff, calling on potential clients from a prepared list.

"I did cold calls all week, finding out who might be interested, and now it's time to go face-to-face," Gorlin said. "I have to say I'm pretty excited. I'm coming armed and ready."

Gorlin then smiled and read aloud from the awesome proposal.

"Designed for larger residential and commercial applications, Breathex air purifiers work with your HVAC system to clean and circulate air throughout your building," Gorlin read. "It is especially beneficial for newer buildings, where improved sealing methods can reduce ventilation and cause a buildup of indoor air pollutants and..."

Customers interested in a Breathex system may contact Gorlin at his Air-izona office, extension 487.

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