Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment

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Vol 40 Issue 30

Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is

VALLEY MILLS, TX—An AKC certificate of pedigree proves conclusively that Duke, a 2-year-old Rottweiler from nearby Rock Springs, is the puppy daddy of Skipper, a Rottweiler born July 20, Cloverleaf Kennel sources reported Monday. "Duke can bark excuses all day and night, but this pedigree proves that Skipper his," said attorney Seth Freidman, who represents Ginger, Skipper's mama. "Duke should be responsible for Skipper's upbringing. I'm sick of hearing that it's a male dog's nature to seek out multiple breeding partners." A spokesperson for Duke said his client was lured by Ginger's promiscuity, insisting that "everyone know the bitch have litters by three different dogs before Duke."

Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.

Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans

MEXICO CITY—American tourist Michael Anderson expressed amazement Monday at the vast number of Mexicans populating Mexico City. "I guess it's obvious that the city would have a lot of Mexicans, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it," Anderson said. "I mean, really—they were everywhere. Tons of them. On every street corner. They were just everywhere." Last year, Anderson experienced similar culture-shock at the number of Asians in San Francisco's Chinatown.

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

SAN FRANCISCO—Many web users were trapped without service Monday, when a large section of the Internet collapsed under the weight of the millions of baby pictures posted online. "Some personal web pages contain literally hundreds of adorable infant photos," MCI senior vice-president Vinton Cerffe said. "Add to that the number of precious pumpkins on photo-sharing sites like Ophoto.com, and anyone can see it was a recipe for disaster. The Internet simply was not designed to support so much parental pride." Cerffe said he expects regular web-traffic flow to resume once the nation's larger Internet providers are reinforced with stronger cuteness-bearing servers.

The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?

Give Me Just One More Chance

If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word. Each sentence contains the pain of my soul, and in particular the part of the soul that yearns for you but has been pushed aside.

Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend

WASHINGTON, DC—During a coffee break at the Pentagon Monday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he will no longer stand for jokes made at the expense of his 5'7", 197-pound girlfriend Mavis Delsman. "I can enjoy a good laugh just like anybody, but the next person to make a crack about my Mavis will be making jokes in the unemployment line," Rumsfeld said. "She's a very nice person and doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way." Rumsfeld added that he will take punitive action against the entire department if he even hears the phrase "junk in the trunk," whether it's in reference to Delsman or not.
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Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment

ATLANTA—Kickboxer, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, will resume after a brief pause, TNT sources reported several seconds ago.

<i>Kickboxer</i>, seconds before interruption.

"Kickboxer, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, will continue in a moment," an unidentified network source said.

According to the anonymous male source, the interruption to the Kickboxer broadcast will be brief. The representative for TNT asked that all persons watching Kickboxer, the 1989 action movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, "[remain] tuned to TNT."

The interruption affects viewers nationwide.

"[Van Damme's character] Kurt Sloan had just seen his brother, a U.S. kickboxing champion, suffer a brutal beating at the hands of the sadistic Tong Po," Phoenix-area TNT viewer Charles de Bernier said. "Van Damme's brother was paralyzed, but Tong Po was remorseless—in fact, he was almost gloating. But before anything else big happened, the movie was interrupted."

De Bernier said the disruption, which followed a freeze-frame of Van Damme's bloody and shame-ridden face, did not worry him.

"I expect that Kickboxer will continue in a moment," de Bernier said.

De Bernier's roommate Kyle Hammond was unavailable for comment, having chosen to spend the broadcast interruption in the bathroom.

The Denny's commercial which has temporarily interrupted <i>Kickboxer</i>, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Boston viewer Garret Corbin, standing in front of his open refrigerator and pouring himself a glass of grape juice, is one of tens of thousands of viewers awaiting the movie's return.

"If the movie continues, I think Van Damme's character will take vengeance on Tong Po—provided he can find someone to train him," Corbin said, basing his hypothesis on two weeks of TNT pronouncements that "Jean-Claude Van Damme is... Kickboxer."

Corbin said he believes that Kickboxer, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, "will come back on any minute now."

"If I'm going to take their word for it that Van Damme will assume the titular role," Corbin said, "then I might as well take their claim that Kickboxer will continue at face value."

"I'll have to see, though," Corbin added, fumbling with a bag of pretzels.

Robert Thompson, director of the Center for the Study of Popular Television at Syracuse University, said that, during this or a future interruption, viewers are likely to hear an announcement concerning TNT programming scheduled for later in the day.

"Oh, something like, 'Thelma & Louise, an edited-for-television feature starring Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis, contains adult situations and graphic violence,'" Thompson said. "Whatever it is, I expect the American public to remain calm during the brief interruption of Kickboxer, as frequent disruptions are a normal part of the basic-cable viewing experience. Take Jean-Claude Van Damme's movies alone: We've seen Bloodsport, Universal Soldier, and even Timecop interrupted. In every case, the network, whether it was AMC, TBS, or Spike, has always made good on its promise."

"Oh, hey!" Thompson said. "It's totally back on!"

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