After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Kid Buys Tiger Woods Golf Shoes Thinking It Will Make Him Chip And Putt Better

ORLANDO, FL—James McGrath, 10, had his mother purchase the Nike SP-8 TW golf shoe at Dicks Sporting Goods Tuesday in the hopes that wearing the same shoes as Tiger Woods will allow McGrath to chip and putt just like the world's top-ranked golfer.  "These are going to make all the difference," said the beaming McGrath, who has practiced his short game approximately 50,000 fewer hours than Woods, said of the shoes. "When I get my mom to buy me the hats, the shirts, the balls, and that putter he uses, I'll be sinking every single putt I hit." According to geneticist Dr. Harold Freeman, McGrath's recent purchase will aid little in his efforts to play golf as well as the 12-time major champion, as both of McGrath's parents are English professors and have never made one sports team on either the professional or amateur level.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.