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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Kid Coming From P.E. Spends Entire Math Class Absolutely Drenched In Sweat

TRENTON, NJ—Having arrived directly from the school gym where he played three-on-three basketball for 45 minutes, local 10th-grader Alex McKean reportedly spent the entirety of his math class Tuesday absolutely drenched in sweat. Early reports confirmed that the 15-year-old, who first entered the classroom with his sweat-stained T-shirt clinging to his body, immediately sprawled out on a chair in the back row, with beads of perspiration continuing to stream down his forehead, neck, and arms. Completely flushed in the face, the high schooler could also be heard panting heavily well into the first five minutes of the lesson as he tugged repeatedly at the front of his shirt in an effort to cool himself down. In addition to leaving all students in his vicinity visibly disgusted, McKean’s powerful body odor reportedly deterred his teacher from walking anywhere near his section of the classroom for the duration of the lecture. Following the bell, sources confirmed that McKean made a quick stop at a water fountain before showing up to his American history class with water still dripping from his mouth.

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