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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Kid Figures He’ll Go Down Slide 35 More Times Then Call It A Day

SALEM, OR—After going down a slide in Riverfront Park 13 consecutive times this afternoon, Bradley Hall, 6, told sources that he would probably go down the same slide about 35 more times and then call it a day. “I see myself sliding down 30, 35 more times; maybe do a few on my stomach headfirst, a few backwards, see where it takes me,” explained Hall before climbing up the slide’s ladder, sitting down at the top, and going down the slide. “I’ll play it by ear, you know? I might stop halfway down with my legs and try to run back up. Nothing’s set in stone.” As of press time, Hall had decided to take a quick break after his 28th trip down the slide in order to spin in circles and screech.

After Birth

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