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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Kid Massive

Just Absolutely Massive

GREENWOOD, IN—Despite being only 11 years old, local kid David Bailey is absolutely fucking massive—just an absolute Mack truck of a boy—astonished sources reported Friday.

According to sources, Christ, just look at the size of him. He's like a Mack truck.

According to witnesses, Bailey, who reportedly hasn't even reached puberty yet, has got to be well over 100 pounds, and, no shit, is probably close to 6 feet tall. Sources further confirmed that Bailey has always been a big boy, and that his parents, Rebecca and George Bailey, aren't exactly the sort of people you would call petite.

"Just look at the size of him," mesmerized neighbor Kelly Hamilton said while watching Bailey shoot baskets in his driveway. "He's not fat, either, just really…well, dense. No two ways about it, that kid is built like a brick shithouse."

"And the crazy thing is, he's not done growing yet—not by a long shot," Hamilton continued. "Christ almighty, would you just look at him? What the hell are they feeding him over there?"

Many in the community echoed Hamilton's remarks, and even some full grown men who have seen Bailey lurching around town admitted they were not at all confident they could knock the gigantic boy down if they tried.

"He's an absolute monster, that kid," local mail carrier Richard Foster said. "Solid as a fucking rock, real low center of gravity. And did you get a load of his goddamn feet? I think he wears bigger shoes than I do, and I'm 35."

"Very polite, though—good boy, has a good family," Foster added.

Further disconcerting to those who cross paths with the kid is the fact that, despite his massiveness, Bailey's voice has yet to break. In addition, the extremely youthful appearance of his face reportedly creates an effect that has led many to describe him as looking "sort of like a big, burly lumberjack, but with a baby's head."

An informal poll of Greenwood residents found that 61 percent considered Bailey to be "just gargantuan," 22 percent said he was "enormous—that's the only word for it," and 16 percent described him as "a goddamn Russian battle tank."

"The Bailey kid is like a fucking boulder," said neighbor Frank Caldwell, adding that it's kind of weird that Bailey's older brother is actually the smaller of the two siblings. "And once he sheds some of that baby fat, watch out. If he doesn't end up going out for the football team when he's older, that'd be a real shame. A real goddamn shame."

Bailey's fifth-grade teacher Mary Sullivan told reporters that certain additional factors contribute to the child's imposing presence, such as the fact that he lumbers around with the thoughtful, deliberate purpose of an Angus bull.

"David is a diesel-powered freight train, pure and simple," Sullivan said while proffering a class photo in which Bailey towers over his classmates like he's from a different species altogether. "I'm just glad he's such a sweet kid. I've never had any behavior problems with him, and he never seems to quarrel with his classmates, thank God. Can you imagine that human jumbo jet slamming into a normal kid his age? There'd be nothing left."

According to sources, the recent interest in the colossal Bailey kid has renewed discussion surrounding that Anderson boy, who is only 12 and really puny but somehow practically has a full beard.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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