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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Kid Massive

Just Absolutely Massive

GREENWOOD, IN—Despite being only 11 years old, local kid David Bailey is absolutely fucking massive—just an absolute Mack truck of a boy—astonished sources reported Friday.

According to sources, Christ, just look at the size of him. He's like a Mack truck.

According to witnesses, Bailey, who reportedly hasn't even reached puberty yet, has got to be well over 100 pounds, and, no shit, is probably close to 6 feet tall. Sources further confirmed that Bailey has always been a big boy, and that his parents, Rebecca and George Bailey, aren't exactly the sort of people you would call petite.

"Just look at the size of him," mesmerized neighbor Kelly Hamilton said while watching Bailey shoot baskets in his driveway. "He's not fat, either, just really…well, dense. No two ways about it, that kid is built like a brick shithouse."

"And the crazy thing is, he's not done growing yet—not by a long shot," Hamilton continued. "Christ almighty, would you just look at him? What the hell are they feeding him over there?"

Many in the community echoed Hamilton's remarks, and even some full grown men who have seen Bailey lurching around town admitted they were not at all confident they could knock the gigantic boy down if they tried.

"He's an absolute monster, that kid," local mail carrier Richard Foster said. "Solid as a fucking rock, real low center of gravity. And did you get a load of his goddamn feet? I think he wears bigger shoes than I do, and I'm 35."

"Very polite, though—good boy, has a good family," Foster added.

Further disconcerting to those who cross paths with the kid is the fact that, despite his massiveness, Bailey's voice has yet to break. In addition, the extremely youthful appearance of his face reportedly creates an effect that has led many to describe him as looking "sort of like a big, burly lumberjack, but with a baby's head."

An informal poll of Greenwood residents found that 61 percent considered Bailey to be "just gargantuan," 22 percent said he was "enormous—that's the only word for it," and 16 percent described him as "a goddamn Russian battle tank."

"The Bailey kid is like a fucking boulder," said neighbor Frank Caldwell, adding that it's kind of weird that Bailey's older brother is actually the smaller of the two siblings. "And once he sheds some of that baby fat, watch out. If he doesn't end up going out for the football team when he's older, that'd be a real shame. A real goddamn shame."

Bailey's fifth-grade teacher Mary Sullivan told reporters that certain additional factors contribute to the child's imposing presence, such as the fact that he lumbers around with the thoughtful, deliberate purpose of an Angus bull.

"David is a diesel-powered freight train, pure and simple," Sullivan said while proffering a class photo in which Bailey towers over his classmates like he's from a different species altogether. "I'm just glad he's such a sweet kid. I've never had any behavior problems with him, and he never seems to quarrel with his classmates, thank God. Can you imagine that human jumbo jet slamming into a normal kid his age? There'd be nothing left."

According to sources, the recent interest in the colossal Bailey kid has renewed discussion surrounding that Anderson boy, who is only 12 and really puny but somehow practically has a full beard.

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