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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Kid Massive

Just Absolutely Massive

GREENWOOD, IN—Despite being only 11 years old, local kid David Bailey is absolutely fucking massive—just an absolute Mack truck of a boy—astonished sources reported Friday.

According to sources, Christ, just look at the size of him. He's like a Mack truck.

According to witnesses, Bailey, who reportedly hasn't even reached puberty yet, has got to be well over 100 pounds, and, no shit, is probably close to 6 feet tall. Sources further confirmed that Bailey has always been a big boy, and that his parents, Rebecca and George Bailey, aren't exactly the sort of people you would call petite.

"Just look at the size of him," mesmerized neighbor Kelly Hamilton said while watching Bailey shoot baskets in his driveway. "He's not fat, either, just really…well, dense. No two ways about it, that kid is built like a brick shithouse."

"And the crazy thing is, he's not done growing yet—not by a long shot," Hamilton continued. "Christ almighty, would you just look at him? What the hell are they feeding him over there?"

Many in the community echoed Hamilton's remarks, and even some full grown men who have seen Bailey lurching around town admitted they were not at all confident they could knock the gigantic boy down if they tried.

"He's an absolute monster, that kid," local mail carrier Richard Foster said. "Solid as a fucking rock, real low center of gravity. And did you get a load of his goddamn feet? I think he wears bigger shoes than I do, and I'm 35."

"Very polite, though—good boy, has a good family," Foster added.

Further disconcerting to those who cross paths with the kid is the fact that, despite his massiveness, Bailey's voice has yet to break. In addition, the extremely youthful appearance of his face reportedly creates an effect that has led many to describe him as looking "sort of like a big, burly lumberjack, but with a baby's head."

An informal poll of Greenwood residents found that 61 percent considered Bailey to be "just gargantuan," 22 percent said he was "enormous—that's the only word for it," and 16 percent described him as "a goddamn Russian battle tank."

"The Bailey kid is like a fucking boulder," said neighbor Frank Caldwell, adding that it's kind of weird that Bailey's older brother is actually the smaller of the two siblings. "And once he sheds some of that baby fat, watch out. If he doesn't end up going out for the football team when he's older, that'd be a real shame. A real goddamn shame."

Bailey's fifth-grade teacher Mary Sullivan told reporters that certain additional factors contribute to the child's imposing presence, such as the fact that he lumbers around with the thoughtful, deliberate purpose of an Angus bull.

"David is a diesel-powered freight train, pure and simple," Sullivan said while proffering a class photo in which Bailey towers over his classmates like he's from a different species altogether. "I'm just glad he's such a sweet kid. I've never had any behavior problems with him, and he never seems to quarrel with his classmates, thank God. Can you imagine that human jumbo jet slamming into a normal kid his age? There'd be nothing left."

According to sources, the recent interest in the colossal Bailey kid has renewed discussion surrounding that Anderson boy, who is only 12 and really puny but somehow practically has a full beard.

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