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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Kid Massive

Just Absolutely Massive

GREENWOOD, IN—Despite being only 11 years old, local kid David Bailey is absolutely fucking massive—just an absolute Mack truck of a boy—astonished sources reported Friday.

According to sources, Christ, just look at the size of him. He's like a Mack truck.

According to witnesses, Bailey, who reportedly hasn't even reached puberty yet, has got to be well over 100 pounds, and, no shit, is probably close to 6 feet tall. Sources further confirmed that Bailey has always been a big boy, and that his parents, Rebecca and George Bailey, aren't exactly the sort of people you would call petite.

"Just look at the size of him," mesmerized neighbor Kelly Hamilton said while watching Bailey shoot baskets in his driveway. "He's not fat, either, just really…well, dense. No two ways about it, that kid is built like a brick shithouse."

"And the crazy thing is, he's not done growing yet—not by a long shot," Hamilton continued. "Christ almighty, would you just look at him? What the hell are they feeding him over there?"

Many in the community echoed Hamilton's remarks, and even some full grown men who have seen Bailey lurching around town admitted they were not at all confident they could knock the gigantic boy down if they tried.

"He's an absolute monster, that kid," local mail carrier Richard Foster said. "Solid as a fucking rock, real low center of gravity. And did you get a load of his goddamn feet? I think he wears bigger shoes than I do, and I'm 35."

"Very polite, though—good boy, has a good family," Foster added.

Further disconcerting to those who cross paths with the kid is the fact that, despite his massiveness, Bailey's voice has yet to break. In addition, the extremely youthful appearance of his face reportedly creates an effect that has led many to describe him as looking "sort of like a big, burly lumberjack, but with a baby's head."

An informal poll of Greenwood residents found that 61 percent considered Bailey to be "just gargantuan," 22 percent said he was "enormous—that's the only word for it," and 16 percent described him as "a goddamn Russian battle tank."

"The Bailey kid is like a fucking boulder," said neighbor Frank Caldwell, adding that it's kind of weird that Bailey's older brother is actually the smaller of the two siblings. "And once he sheds some of that baby fat, watch out. If he doesn't end up going out for the football team when he's older, that'd be a real shame. A real goddamn shame."

Bailey's fifth-grade teacher Mary Sullivan told reporters that certain additional factors contribute to the child's imposing presence, such as the fact that he lumbers around with the thoughtful, deliberate purpose of an Angus bull.

"David is a diesel-powered freight train, pure and simple," Sullivan said while proffering a class photo in which Bailey towers over his classmates like he's from a different species altogether. "I'm just glad he's such a sweet kid. I've never had any behavior problems with him, and he never seems to quarrel with his classmates, thank God. Can you imagine that human jumbo jet slamming into a normal kid his age? There'd be nothing left."

According to sources, the recent interest in the colossal Bailey kid has renewed discussion surrounding that Anderson boy, who is only 12 and really puny but somehow practically has a full beard.

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