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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

FREEPORT, ME—Standing next to a white unmarked van on an unlit street after school, local 7-year-old Andrew Barns informed reporters Thursday that he would not get into the strange vehicle for anything less than a king-size candy bar, and the suggestion that he might do otherwise was, frankly, an insult. “Given the risk-reward ratio on this whole scenario, I would have to insist that the candy bar be king size, and to be honest, anything else would pretty much be a waste of my time,” said Barns, adding that any offer from the suspicious van of a regular-size Hershey’s bar, or even Rolos, would be immediately rejected on sight and on principle. “Look, if I’m going to get into this complete stranger’s dirty van with tinted windows, then it needs to made worth my while. The two-cup regular-size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup packet is not going to cut it. It’s gotta be the four-cup king size. Or, alternatively, four fun-sized singles.” At press time, Barns was waiting for the man to return from a trip to the local FoodMart with a suitably alluring confection.

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