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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist

MINNEAPOLIS—Despite visits from Olympic snowboarder Shaun White and film actor Ryan Reynolds, 13-year-old Corey Duthers announced Tuesday that before he dies he wants more than anything to meet a world- renowned pediatric oncologist. "I've looked it up on the iPhone those nice Make-A-Wish people gave me, and this form of cancer is definitely treatable," said Duthers, who claimed that his dream is to someday receive the best possible treatment for his illness. "Don't get me wrong, it was definitely cool when [WWE wrestler] John Cena dropped by, but when I asked him about getting a partial hepatectomy, he just smiled and put me in a kind of fake headlock for a while." While the quality of his medical care had not improved, Duthers said that he remained optimistic about exploring new medical options during his consultation with Atlanta rapper Souljah Boy next week.

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