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Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

MENA, AR—After an extensive three-month-long search, the Polk County Sheriff’s Department located missing 9-year-old Joshua Meyers in an abandoned home, rescued the child from his captors, and returned him to his loving parents, the still bound and gagged boy imagined Tuesday.

Joshua Meyers was returned safe and sound to his father’s arms, dreamed Meyers.

According to the kidnapped child’s imagination, Meyers was liberated from his abductors when 30 law enforcement agents swooped down from helicopters, crashed through the windows of the basement where he was being kept, and carried the desperate third-grader away to safety.

Blocking out the sight and stench of his surroundings, the boy’s imagination went on to report that Meyers was led by authorities into the arms of his overjoyed parents—a complete fantasy the 9-year-old was somehow able to conjure up despite the fact that he was lying face down on a filthy concrete floor, his arms and legs restrained by rope.

“I’m so happy to be free,” said a delirious Meyers, the sound of his voice muffled by the sock stuffed deep inside his mouth. “I knew my Mom and Dad would never stop looking for me. I knew they would find me.”

“They said everything is going to be all better now,” continued Meyers, disregarding strict orders from his captors to quiet down and stop moaning. “And that nothing like what happened back there will ever happen to me again.”

In his weak and weary mind, Meyers was then swaddled in a warm blanket, placed in the front seat of the sheriff’s car, and served hot chocolate with both marshmallows and whipped cream. Emergency medical technicians, envisioned by the shivering, emaciated child, reportedly examined Meyers’ injuries and determined that they were not life threatening and would not leave any physical or emotional scars.

“It’s over!” the kidnapped child said, his sudden exclamation sending several large rats scurrying from between his feet.

Following his fictitious rescue, the 9-year-old boy was driven to the Supreme Court, where he pointed out his abductors, sentenced them to a million years in jail, and was rewarded with a brand new bike for all he had been through. According to Meyers’ vivid imagination, he also received a formal apology from his captors, who admitted that they should never have dragged the boy away from his mother, blindfolded him in the trunk of their car, or told him that they were going to kill his dog if he didn’t cooperate.

“We are bad men and we know that what we did was wrong, but we were afraid Joshua would beat us up if we untied him,” said Ed Jackson, a mental composite of the three men currently keeping watch over the severely dehydrated and hallucinating child. “Sorry, Josh. Maybe you’d feel better if we gave you the gazillion dollars we took from your parents.”

“And the little pinkie finger you miss so much,” he added.

Meyers’ imagination, once used to play with his G.I. Joe action figures, then conjured up one last fleeting daydream, in which the boy, seated at the dinner table, was surrounded by his mother and father, his little brother Henry, and a warm viscous fluid that kept running out of his mouth.

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