After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly

ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more smoothly.” “To be honest, everything’s been happening just as I planned it,” said Horton, explaining that he had muscled the second-grader into his van with no problems and that the boy had complied when instructed to “shut the fuck up” if he ever wanted to see his family again. “I’ve delivered the ransom note, the money is already on its way, and this whole thing should be over with by 7 p.m. at the latest. Piece of cake! I just wish I’d known it would all go off without a hitch so I could have made some plans for the evening.” Horton then laughed, adding that anyone who thinks kidnappings are riddled with complications has “probably been watching too many cop movies.”

After Birth

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