After Birth

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly

ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more smoothly.” “To be honest, everything’s been happening just as I planned it,” said Horton, explaining that he had muscled the second-grader into his van with no problems and that the boy had complied when instructed to “shut the fuck up” if he ever wanted to see his family again. “I’ve delivered the ransom note, the money is already on its way, and this whole thing should be over with by 7 p.m. at the latest. Piece of cake! I just wish I’d known it would all go off without a hitch so I could have made some plans for the evening.” Horton then laughed, adding that anyone who thinks kidnappings are riddled with complications has “probably been watching too many cop movies.”

After Birth

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