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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Kids Of Milwaukee Forced To Look Up To Ryan Braun On Technicality

MILWAUKEE—Despite ample evidence pointing to elevated levels of testosterone in Ryan Braun's urine, the mishandling of the Brewers slugger's sample means the region's young baseball players will once again have to look up to him, arbitrator Shyam Das ordered Thursday. "If you are a Wisconsin youngster and Ryan Braun has been your favorite player, you are still required to want to be just like him when you grow up," said Das, ordering area 12-year-olds and Little Leaguers to reattach previously discarded Ryan Braun posters to all affected bedroom doors. "Major League Baseball officially believes Ryan Braun when he says if you work really hard and don't corners, you'll be successful like him, and you are now required to resume believing that, too." Following the decision, Brewers Kids Club members had petitioned Das to allow them to start looking up to outfielder Corey Hart instead, but the arbitrator ruled that since the departure of free agent Prince Fielder, Braun is the only logical player for them to idolize.

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