Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover

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After Birth

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WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

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Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

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It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

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Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

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Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

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Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

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Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

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North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

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Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

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Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

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Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

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Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

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Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...
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Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover

The Curtis children say their father’s same old stories of repeatedly bringing their mother to orgasm are getting “really, really old.”
The Curtis children say their father’s same old stories of repeatedly bringing their mother to orgasm are getting “really, really old.”

MANCHESTER, NH—Saying they had heard each one of his anecdotes “a thousand times,” local siblings Lindsay, Alex, and Danielle Curtis told reporters Monday they were tired of listening to their father repeat the same boring stories about his skillful, selfless lovemaking.

“I honestly don’t know if I can sit through another one of Dad’s lame stories about bringing Mom to unimaginable sexual euphoria,” said eldest child Lindsay Curtis, 18, explaining that her 47-year-old father “goes on and on like a broken record” with tales of his erotic expertise and generosity. “That story about Dad repeatedly pleasuring Mom on their honeymoon, or in that hotel shower in Florida, or during that power outage in 1995 might have been interesting back when we were little kids and heard them the first time, but now they’re just getting old.”

“You can only listen to so many stories about Mom’s wild, full-body orgasms before you get completely sick of them,” she continued. “It’s like, ‘We get it, Dad—you’re sensuous and nurturing in the bedroom.’ God, give it a rest already.”

The three teenagers claimed that normal conversational details and offhand comments oftentimes reminded their father of one of his cherished carnal memories, prompting him to launch into well-worn recollections about a particular all-night cunnilingus session in the autumn of 2000, his deft fingering of their mother at the local movie theater while watching the 1992 film Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or one notable instance on a cruise when he continuously stimulated her G-spot through vigorous intercourse from behind.

Moreover, the Curtis children expressed their wish that the family could make it through just one meal together without their father reminiscing about one of the numerous times he performed foreplay so adeptly that their mother climaxed as soon as he entered her.

“Dad just loves telling the story about the first time he met Mom, and how they immediately hit it off, and how she had the first multiple orgasms of her life that night, but now every time he starts in with it, I just sigh and think, ‘Here we go again,’” said 15-year-old Alex Curtis. “You have no idea how many times he’s repeated the same line about his feather-light kisses up Mom’s inner thigh, and the one about delicately parting her labia and rapidly fluttering his tongue over her clitoris. It just drags on forever.”

“By the time he gets to the point in the story where Mom’s screaming his name and arching her back in ecstasy, we’re all just bored out of our minds,” he added.

According to the Curtis children, their dad has told one particular story about a vacation to a ski resort in 1991 so often that each of them said they could recount in detail every last probe of their father’s fingertips, phrase of dirty talk, and sexual position he performed over the course of the entire weekend.

“It seems like whenever we’re riding in the car or out at a restaurant together, Dad will say to us, ‘Did I ever tell you kids about that time I got your mother off through nipple stimulation alone?’ and we all just groan and roll our eyes,” said youngest daughter Danielle Curtis, 13. “When he gets to the end, all of us chime in at the same time and say, ‘Your mother came so loud that the neighbors woke up and turned their lights on.’ Jeez, you’d think he’d get the hint by now.”

In addition to their growing exasperation, the teens said they feel embarrassed by their father every time they bring friends home after school or whenever the family has houseguests. According to the children, their dad will “talk their ear off” with story after story about he and his wife’s frequent professor-student role play or their experimentation with dominance and submission in the early 2000s.

Eldest daughter Lindsay Curtis admitted that, each time her father launches into another of his old tales, she always mentally urges him to speed up and get to the part where her mother is left quivering, flushed, and splayed on the bed, so that she can finally change the subject.

“They’re nice stories, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just tiring to hear every single day about how Dad leaves Mom begging for his deep, skillful penetration,” Lindsay said. “Though, I guess at this point, Dad’s stories are such a part of my life that I wouldn’t be that surprised if I end up missing them a little when I move out.”

“And honestly,” she continued, “I’m going to have kids of my own one day, and I think it might actually be kind of sweet to hear Dad tell them their first story about how he went down on their grandmother for over an hour right there on the floor of our family room.”

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